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Jan 8, 2014

Scenic Route January 8, 2014 1:44 AM

Recently I watched the movie Scenic Route and it touched me very deeply. It affected me in ways movies never have and it definitely pushed me into reaching for that acting career. It was a marvelous movie least to say. But anyways I watched it again tonight with my best friend Shylyn. Ever since first seeing Scenic Route I made a vow to watch it with all my closest friends. I decided this because the movie made me really appreciate my friendships even more than I thought possible and it made me feel somewhat even more connected to my friends. Watching that movie again tonight was even worse the second time than the first. The movie itself is fantastic don’t get me wrong it’s just the feelings I get from it. And once I’m home alone in my bed is when these feelings really start to take over me. And as I’m typing this out, I’m feeling those feelings and I’m incredibly sad for the characters in the movie. And I think that’s because I pictured myself in the same situation as them and it made me sad considering the events that happened in the movie. I would never want to go through all that struggle with any of my friends and it just hurts to see them suffer in the movie and fight with each other and then makeup but still have events that tear them apart like their physical fight. And then end up dying in the desert and hallucinating that they made it home to this perfect life together. So basically what I’ve been trying to say is that watching it a second time has made me realize that I’m afraid to be alone in life. I’ve never really been alone at any point in my life even when I was little before my siblings were born. I had family and friends around at all times. But now that I get older and am now entering the adult world, everything is starting to change. Friends are going off to college and my family is having internal issues and I don’t see many of them anymore and it sucks because that fear of being alone is surfacing more and more now. And when I say alone, I also mean romantically. I’ve been able to push that aside with having my friends and family around, but with that disappearing I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever have someone by my side. I’ve gone 19 years without it but I don’t know if I could go a lot longer and that scares me. I don’t want to grow old by myself and see everyone go without someone to be there for me and vice versa. So to close this extremely long post, I’m not sure what to do anymore with my life. I’m beginning to pursue my dreams (hopefully they pan out well) and I may start my life for real in Tampa with my best friend Christian, but I know that we can’t always live together there considering I may have to move once my career starts to take off. I just don’t want to go through this journey we call life alone and miserable. I’m afraid there is something wrong with me. This movie is fucking with my head haha but part of me hopes that this life I’m living is just a hallucination and that I’m actually not living it and part of me wants to make it better because I know I can. I don’t know I’m running out of things to say so I guess this is it.